Welcome to an exploration of a topic that many highly sensitive women struggle with: Pleasing others at the expense of their own needs.
In society, women are often commended for their selflessness and ability to put others’ needs before their own. From caring for families to supporting friends and colleagues, women frequently sacrifice their aspirations and needs to please those around them.
In highly sensitive women, this tendency can be even more pronounced, but why is this the case, what is the cost and what can be done about it? This article will explore some of the underlying causes of people-pleasing in women and why these can be more prominent in those who are highly sensitive. It will then look at ways to establish more healthy boundaries when pleasing others gets out of hand.
Exploring cultural roots and societal pressures
Understanding the roots of women’s pleasing behaviours requires consideration of the cultural and societal influences at play. Across diverse cultures, women are traditionally seen as caregivers and nurturers, associated with qualities such as warmth, empathy, and selflessness. Highly sensitive women, who often possess deeper levels of empathy, are especially susceptible to these cultural norms and likely to feel a greater sense of responsibility for ‘fixing’ others.
Another key driver behind women’s tendency to put others first is the weight of societal expectations and traditional gender roles that still have women shouldering most household tasks, and caring roles. The narratives young girls receive from a young age to embrace their nurturing side can be so deeply embedded that these roles become a default setting. For highly sensitive women, these pressures are felt even more deeply. Their heightened sensitivity makes them more attuned to the expectations of others, and the fear of disappointing those around them can lead to greater self-sacrifice.
Both cultural influences and societal norms may reinforce the belief for highly sensitive women that their value lies in their ability to put others first. This belief, combined with a sense of duty, can persist, driving them to continue sacrificing their needs for the sake of others. Recognising these influences should not diminish the inherent nurturing and sensitive strengths of highly sensitive women. Instead, it can help to understand them better so highly sensitive women can both appreciate their nurturing instincts and rediscover their authentic selves.
Battling guilt & unworthiness
As we’ve discovered, the inclination for self-sacrifice is deeply woven into the fabric of cultural and societal expectations. When we dare to do the unexpected and put ourselves first, we may fear being seen as selfish or experience a profound sense of guilt. For highly sensitive women, this guilt can be magnified. Their deeper processing of emotions means they worry even more about letting others down. It’s essential to understand that these emotions are entirely normal, and many of us grapple with them. However, it can be a significant challenge.
Along with guilt, highly sensitive women often experience a deep sense of unworthiness, a feeling that they aren’t good enough, and because of this are more sensitive to perceived rejections and criticisms from others on which they tend to ruminate. This can propel them into cycles of people-pleasing as they search for approval, love or acceptance.
Pleasing tendencies are frequently rooted in past adverse experiences, such as trauma or neglect, feeling misunderstood or under-appreciated. It is known that highly sensitive people are more susceptible to the adverse effects of difficult childhoods (Aron et al., 2005) and therefore more likely to rely on coping mechanisms such as pleasing others to feel better about themselves or avoid further hurts or disappointments.
Feeling different from an early age, can mean we have an even stronger urge to please others so that we can fit in and be accepted. By putting others first, we learn to avoid judgments and feelings of guilt as well as experience a temporary escape from our sense of inadequacy.
For some, the act of caring for others becomes a way to affirm a positive sense of identity and purpose which is a driving force for many highly sensitive people. This people-pleasing behaviour then becomes ingrained, forming a pattern that persists into adulthood and can be difficult to break.
Understanding the roots of your people-pleasing tendencies is the first step toward breaking the cycle. Prioritising your own well-being can be a transformative way to achieve a more empowered and balanced life.
The pleasing paradox: Pleasing others at a cost
We have seen how pleasing others is a common behaviour in highly sensitive women, driven by the desire to be accepted, to maintain harmony and to avoid guilt. It can also be very easy to get hooked on the positive reinforcements we get from pleasing others. We can learn that we only feel valuable when we help others which can lead us to over-identify with our caring roles and lose a sense of who we truly are.
While a certain degree of people-pleasing can be beneficial for the sense of fulfilment and validation it can provide, if we are not careful, it can also have detrimental effects on our well-being and our relationships (Righetti et al., 2020). Recognising the impact of excessive people-pleasing and taking steps to address this is crucial to reclaiming your well-being and living a fulfilling life.
One of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves as highly sensitive people is to learn to honour our true needs and protect our sensitive energies by establishing healthy boundaries.
Download my free PDF guide for some quick ways you can start setting healthy boundaries today. Plus 35 other strategies for protecting your energy! Keep reading for more boundary setting ideas and resources.
Embracing healthy boundaries
Boundaries are the protective walls that we build around us to define how much of ourselves we share with others and how we allow ourselves to be treated in our work, family, and romantic relationships. Our emotional well-being depends on our ability to set healthy boundaries which can improve our relationships, protect against stress and burn-out and increase our sense of self-worth and agency.
For highly sensitive people, though, boundary setting can be a challenge because of their increased levels of empathy for other’s feelings, fear of creating conflict, desire to feel accepted, defense against further hurts and poor sense of identity. Due to these factors they are more likely to have developed unhealthy boundaries over the years.
Indications of healthy and unhealthy boundaries
Below are some common indicators to help you establish whether you have healthy boundaries or whether this an area in your life that needs some attention.
Don’t worry if you’ve discovered you have unhealthy boundaries, this is normal and you are certainly not alone! Spotting the signs of behaviours that are no longer serving you is the first step to taking back your power and asserting your needs in a compassionate and respectful way. The next section has some suggestions to help you navigate new boundaries.
Setting healthy boundaries
- Address unhelpful beliefs: Start noticing and naming unhelpful beliefs you have about your boundaries for instance “I shouldn’t put my needs before others” and replacing them with more helpful alternative such as “I have the right to make my needs equally important to those of others”. Download this handy worksheet to help switch up your beliefs.
- Practice ‘Fierce Self-Compassion’: Dr. Kristin Neff’s concept of fierce self-compassion can empower you to stand up for what you believe in, even when it feels daunting. It’s a way of asserting your needs and desires while maintaining compassion for yourself and those around you. Check out the Fierce Friend and Balancing Yin and Yang exercises on her website.
- Find your why: Reflect deeply on why you’re setting boundaries. Consider what you stand for in life and the reasons that drive you. Think about who will gain when you learn to stand up for yourself. Will it be your children, your colleagues or your friends? When you connect your actions to a meaningful purpose, it becomes easier to push through the initial unease.
- Develop your intuition: HSPs are often more intuitive however it can take time to learn to recognise and respond to your deeper sense of knowing, especially if you have spent years pushing this away. Start by checking in regularly with how your body is feeling and what it needs. Learn to trust your gut instincts by comparing what happens when you do and don’t pay attention to it. You’ll soon develop confidence in one of your greatest strengths.
- Mindful meditation: By bringing gentle attention to the parts of you that feel uncomfortable, you can develop your intuition even further. Spend some time just sitting and noticing where you feel the discomfort or notice a change in your body, breathe deeply into it, give it some space, imagine what it looks like, and ask this part of you what it needs in this situation.
- Be gentle: Be aware of your inner critic and remind yourself that you are only human and that you are doing your best. Acknowledging our struggles and responding to them with understanding and kindness, can help us see the impact putting others first is having on our minds and bodies. It also enables us to value our true selves and see our worth as human beings. Only when we learn to view ourselves as worthwhile can we begin to reduce our need to please others to gain their approval.
- Keep practicing! Learning to do something differently can be challenging but don’t give up. Remind yourself that anything worth having is worth putting in some effort for. Start off practicing saying no, or asking for what you need in situations that aren’t so important and with people you are more comfortable with. Over time and with practice you will learn to extend this to more people and situations and your healthy boundary-setting skills will become easier and more natural.
Remember, setting boundaries is not selfish but a vital aspect of self-preservation and well-being. You deserve to have your needs acknowledged and respected, and I hope these strategies can help guide you on your way.
Time to reflect
Highly sensitive women often find themselves caught in patterns of people-pleasing and poor boundaries that are deeply ingrained in societal and cultural norms and are exacerbated by their depth of processing, emotional intensity and empathy. While these selfless acts can bring a sense of self-worth, they can also lead to feeling stuck in restrictive patterns.
It’s important to remember that pleasing others should never come at the expense of your own well-being. You have the ability to break free from these patterns by embracing healthy boundaries and setting new examples that may inspire others to do the same.
Valuing your own needs in this way is not an act of selfishness but a catalyst for personal growth and resilience. When you protect yourself, you recharge your energy, making you better equipped to be there for the people and things that do matter to you in your life.
It’s time to redefine women’s roles, champion the rights of highly sensitive people, and nurture a caring and respectful society. Together, we can create a world where the needs of all its members are communicated and honoured.
I’m here to help
If you’re struggling with people pleasing and/or setting healthy boundaries, coaching can be a great way to reconnect with your true sense of self and to learn how to act from this part of yourself, NOT from the parts that have developed to protect you or help you feel accepted.
If you’d like to chat through your options you can book a free 15 minute call here.
Sally,
Your sensitive guide to bold, authentic living.
References
Aron, E., Aron, A., & Davies, K. M. (2005). Adult shyness: The interaction of temperamental sensitivity and an adverse childhood environment. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 31, 181-197.
Righetti, F., Sakaluk, J. K., Faure, R., & Impett, E. A. (2020). The link between sacrifice and relational and personal well-being: A meta-analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 146(10), 900–921. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000297
